Oh, dear.

I hope this is only a passing fancy...

Ornate.

I'm really liking that word right now. "Ornate." Not sure why, but there it is.

So, I'm officially more than two weeks into this relationship, and I have no complaints worth noting. Things are still fresh and I'm loathe to jinx them, but... well, I'm pretty happy with how all this is developing. I've been craving this kind of certainty, and now that I have it, I'm really starting to mellow out.

By no means is life perfect now that I officially have a significant other. I'm not naive enough to bet everything on a relationship. I'm a firm believer in finding that fulfillment on one's own before one tries finding it in another person, but I have to admit, I was really ready for this, and I have not been disappointed by it.

It's a little sappy, I know, but I just... really like my life right now.

I've been playing a lot of Banjo-Tooie these days. God, I'm rusty. I'm stuck in this one part of Glitter Gulch Mine where I have to find fifteen TNT thingies in so many seconds. It's a royal pain. How did I do this when I was nine? Jesus. My generation was a flock of super kids to figure this shit out so young, I tell you what.

The thing about my N64, though, is that it has no sound. I think it's the wires that need replacing - an easy fix. So in lieu of the game soundtrack, I turn on Hugh Laurie's blues album. I don't know why, but that album really helps me to think and focus. Thank you, Dr. House!

Going over to his place tonight. Gonna sleep over. Nervous and excited all at once.

Pretty great night.

But that said...

I wish there was more certainty with something totally unrelated to my date tonight. I don't know. It's not really something I can discuss with anyone because it doesn't seem like anyone can help me make sense of it.

Blah.

This needs to be less confusing.

I really wish that I cared less.

I'll be the first to say that now I'm okay.

And for the first time, I've opened up my eyes.

This was my worst love; you'll be the first to go.

And when she leaves you for dead, you'll be the last to know.

Two days in.

So far, it's pretty good. :)

I wasn't really out looking for a relationship. It just happened. Even so, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not happy about it.

I haven't been this happy/ridiculously optimistic in a long time.

We went to a friend's birthday party on Friday, had lots of fun. Met lots of new people, kicked back, listened to music, grilled steak, and goofed off until four in the morning. Really great times.

This is really long overdue, but I'm finally getting to break out of my shell, and it's fantastic.

I only pray you'll never leave me behind,

Because good music can be so hard to find...

Slightly frustrated...

I went to the doctor's on Monday. Spent a good hour waiting for him to see me, biting my nails the whole time. I don't think I've ever been that nervous before, but I think I was justified in my anxiety. This is a big deal.

I suppose what was bothering me the most was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to get a diagnosis the same day or if I would have to wait. As I had feared... I have to wait. And god, it's driving me fucking batty. I hate not knowing.

I went to the hospital yesterday to have my blood drawn. Supposedly, it'll be back from the lab by the end of the week. The lab will fax the results to my doctor, and my doctor will get back to me. I don't know what he'll say when he finally calls me, but I suppose any news would be good news at this point. I'll take bad news over no news; at least then, I can start figuring out what to do.

Some part of me wishes that I didn't have to do this by myself. Maybe it's not fair to want to share the burden, but... this is tough. Really tough. The waiting, the uncertainty, and the craziness in between is not something that I care to experience by myself.

In the meantime, though, I'll count my blessings. Some good things have been happening, too. I've been hanging out with this really great guy, so...

We'll see.

The right thing to guide us is right here inside us.

No one can divide us when the light is nearly gone.

But just like a heartbeat, the drum beat carries on...