"Schön hier, nicht wahr?"

I think I need a drastic change of pace. Something to take my mind away from what it's wrapped around right now. At this point, it's not even about any one person or thing in particular. It's not about anything or anyone else. It's about me and my sanity.

The short of it is that I'm not happy. Not with anything. I'm not looking for sympathy or comfort or support from anyone, it's just the truth. I'm not happy. And the path I'm on right now is only serving to make me more miserable. I can blame people if I feel lazy enough. I can blame my environment, I can blame everything else. At the end of the day, though, I'm the one who has to get up some morning and do something different.

Knowing that really doesn't make things any easier. If anything, it only pressures me more because I feel like I could be doing more. I could be earning more money at a quicker pace, I could be moving more quickly toward my transcription classes, I could be doing more to get out of this rathole and into the life I want. Unfortunately, I'm no closer to my goal than I was yesterday. Or last week. Last month. Last year.

I've been looking forward to change for so long. Been working through the means to reach the end. But I don't know what the end is anymore, or if it'll justify any of the means. I want to think that it'll all be worth it and I'll end up where I want to be.

In a perfect world, I would be far away from here. It would be just me and my Kage. I'd have a little apartment somewhere in southern Germany, close to the Austrian border so I can hop on a train and visit Vienna whenever time and money permits. I'd have a writing job somewhere; maybe in journalism, maybe not. I'd be a regular patron of the theater. I don't know if I'd have a partner or not. I hope so. In the back of my mind, I imagine a tall blond with impeccable fashion sense, a penchant for some of the finer things, and a strong passion for life. (Three of those traits are traits that I can't live without. Care to guess which ones they are? Because I'll never tell.)

I'm a firm believer in positive thinking. Just imagining the life I could have a little further down the road has made me feel worlds better. It's like writing a resume for your future self. It's just... reassuring. Maybe I daydream too much. I get lost in what could be and I forget about what's right in front of me.

But... I think it's significantly better than the alternative. I don't want to go down that road again.