We took Jewel to Lietz-Fraze Funeral Home on Friday to be cremated and we finally got to take her home today. I have to say... I'm relieved. The weekend was absolute torture. I spent every waking hour feeling guilty that I had to leave her in the hands of strangers, wondering if something was going to go wrong, if there was going to be some kind of mix-up... That, and the house was just empty without her presence in general. I feel like now that we have her home, in a little cedar box, she's somehow here again. And the house isn't as empty anymore. It's still a little gloomy, but just having her cremains makes me feel like she's not completely gone.
I set up the top shelf of the living room computer desk for her. I put the box with her cremains in the center along with two of her pictures (one taken during her puppyhood and the other when she was about ten), a lantern with a candle (which I always keep lit), and a leafy plant that I bought especially for her. It's a little shrine for my Jewelie baby. <3
The people at the funeral home took her paw print for me. I got an impression of her paw on Thanksgiving, too, in a little tin that we'll be using as a Christmas ornament. I plan on getting her paw tattooed on my arm sometime in the near future, hopefully by Christmas, since it was during the Christmas season that she officially became part of our family. Also, I'm hoping to have her paw print transferred to a charm that I can put on a charm bracelet. And I'm putting together a scrapbook for her.
I sometimes feel like all I'm doing to preserve her memory isn't enough. I guess I feel guilty. Over the past few years, we've had to keep her separated from the other dogs because they had tried attacking her on a handful of separate occasions, and as such, we've had to divide our time between all of them. It was tough trying to make sure that they all got equal love and attention... and I worry that she didn't get enough of it in her final months.
But Mom has assured me that that's not the case. Jewel slept in her room at night, so she was never alone during the evening, and we made sure that she had plenty of time out with us while the other dogs were away, because we knew her time was running out. I just wish I could have done more for her while she was alive. But now that I think about it... we did spend a lot of time with her. I guess now that she's gone, it just doesn't seem like what time we did have with her was enough.
I'm just glad she's home and she can rest now.
December's gonna be here in less than forty minutes. When we went to Havasu earlier today, we stopped by the storage shed and got some holiday decorations. I can't wait to start putting them up. Also, going to Los Angeles on Saturday to see Luna Sea. :)
In the middle of September, we'd still play out in the rain. Nothing to lose, but everything to gain... Reflecting now on how things could have been, it was worth it in the end.
Listening to: September - Daughtry
